This is a new column in which I profess my deepest, darkest secrets to the Indie Pong fan base.
I wish I could say I was a sad, brooding Rob. The kind of guy with who mopes around the record shop all day nonchalantly referencing King Gizzard and Trout Mask Replica who judges other people that lack his music acumen. But this isn’t me. It has come to my attention upon my one thousandth watch of High Fidelity that I am in fact, a Barry. Cue to tape:
This is me af, strolling on in and playing some upbeat indie jams for my poor introspective friends at the local record shop who are too caught up in their own personal relationship qualms to enjoy Katrina and the Sunshine Band (not literally). Which one looks more like me, this guy:
Or this firecracker:
It’s just the truth. While I’d love to be the deeply intellectual (maybe) and complicated Rob, I’m more of a Barry Jive and the Uptown Five kind of guy.
Now for this part of the article I will go against my natural instincts and summon my inner Rob so that I can make a list of my top five reasons why being a Rob is overrated/sucks ass:
- Record collection is a SAUSAGEFEST – You will hardly see Rob put on any female artists in High Fidelity, that role in the friend group is reserved for Dick who keeps pushing Marie De Salle down everyone’s throats, or to the BARRYS of the world who try to liven the place up with some female energy. Not Rob and his “Beta Band” album…
2. Borrows money and doesn’t pay people back. Rob borrowed a large sum of money form Laura, which was one of the reasons he got dumped in the first place. Meanwhile Rob is probably RAKING at his lucrative record store, and spending all of his money on cigarettes. Yeah, sounds like a pretty chill guy.
3. Bad at fighting. Rob has an “active imagination” and thinks about kicking Ian’s ass, but never actually does. The Barrys of the world operate on a “cover Marvin Gaye without paying royalties and ask questions later” basis.
4. Doesn’t stick up for his friends. Rob offers a record contract to punk thieves Vince and Justin and doesn’t even think about his good friend BArry, and his genre-melting band Sonic Death Monkey (later to be known as Barry Jive and the Uptown Five). So to recap, Rob can’t fight, and he doesn’t stick his neck out for his friends. Sounds like a great guy to have in the crew…
5. Wears Cosby sweaters, soooo…….
Meanwhile we have BARRY who is the greatest salesman of all time:
AND is an all time great singer:
So this is my truth. For all of you Rob lovers out there I only have one thing to say: