God-Tier Classic Rock Eargasms for CONNOISSEURS (With a Side of Beef)

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Now, now… I know you’re probably asking yourself, “Damn, George— already back to beefing?”

“Surely, you can’t be back to this so soon… especially after ALMOST getting fired from Indie Pong last year?”

Look, I can’t help it when the game CHOSE me. 

Also, I can’t let it stand when Mates and Karl think Timber Ridge was ACTUALLY running things back in the day.

I’m not going to fully get into that, because it’s strictly for those who know, but ask yourselves–

How is your school RUNNING IT, if they have to have a whole re-brand, and completely change their name after YEARS of being T. Ridge?

Like, is T. Swift REALLY the boss she thinks she is, if it takes her 5 years to record her next album, and she re-christens herself, T. Slow?

#whoa

In any instance, Karl and Mates are out here feeling themselves a little bit, and honestly, that’s legit.

For example, did you see last week, when Karl not-so-low-key DROPPED A JEWEL on anyone who hadn’t heard of Sofia Valdes?

Karl blessed us— and I feel like Ms. Valdes is already walking around with a strong contender for song of the year in her back pocket.

And Mates?

Look, Mates, very gently tried to let me know that Wednesday dropped 2020 album of the year material WAYYY back in the beginning of last year, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge that he was FAR out ahead of the pack, until just after Christmas, a few weeks back.

Hard as it is to admit, both of them are killing it, and their respective God-Tier Pop Eargasms lists contained some UNABASHED classics. 

I’m hesitant to link them, lest there be further discussion of their admittedly impressive work, but Karl’s is here, and Mates’ response is here.

In any case, all was well until the last Indie Pong happy hour when Mates made a WEST TEXAS POWER MOVE, and staked claim to what he saw as he and Karl’s turf.

In an earnest yet severe tone, he announced to the group. “you guys… ONLY write a, “God-tier,” article if you’ve REALLY got it, because that’s a strong statement.”

And you know what?

An article like that wasn’t even on my radar… didn’t cross my mind.

I thought to myself, “Right on. That’s their lane, and we all should respect that.”

That is, until a couple minutes later, when they both had to lean in and start talking that stuff.

Out of nowhere, the grade school/middle school histories of Mates, Karl, Daw, and myself were brought up. Mates punched hard at Daw and I with, “haha, yeah… we probably destroyed you guys in basketball.”

Now, that is probably true, but as St. A’s was (is) the Cincinnati Bengals of Northshore middle school basketball, Daw and I simply accepted our lot in life during those years, and we played for the love of the game.

Timber Ridge, we were not.

I was ready to let it ride until Mates’ fellow Timber Ridge alumni Karl had to jump in and say something slick like, “haha, yeah… we didn’t even have locker rooms, and we still beat you guys.”

Daw, never one to back down, started to hit back, talking about how T. Ridge couldn’t even claim The Town because it’s in Skokie, but Mates and Karl were on a roll, and I stood back, feigning as though I was simply withdrawing.

Of course, this was a calculated decision— if I took it to Mates and Karl in the moment, it would only be spoke about in hushed tones, and my job might be on the line (again).

If I take it to them here and now though, challenging them at the own game of selecting God-Tier Eargasms, I potentially, have the might of the internet on my side, to say nothing of when Daw rolls through with the calvary like Gandalf in Two Towers.

Essentially, for their slights against two nice Catholic boys who have inherited a lifetime of guilt from being in Church on Friday every morning for at least 8 years, these two gentleman need to understand that while the God-tier game might have been born over in the halls of a Skokie school with a confused identity, it was perfected in The Town–

Here and now.

Without further ado, I present to you, THE CONNOISSEUR’S God-Tier Classic Rock Eargasms.

Now… this list is not for the folks who are trying to sing along to, “Space Oddity,” or, the starter pack posers who claim Black Sabbath’s best song is, “Paranoid.”

This playlist is for the seasoned listener, or, those aspiring to step their game up.

For example, are you trying to build some street cred with your girlfriend’s Dad, who’s still doing hiking trips on mushrooms in his mid-60s?

I got you.

Trying to show your boss as the record store that you know what the low-key centerpiece of Pink Floyd’s, “Animals,” is?

Say less.

Do you find yourself somewhere down in Central Florida, WORKING FOR THE LORD, and you want to show a bingo hall full of sinners what awaits them if they don’t starting doing the same as you?

Better have a dustpan ready for when old Ben’s last 10 teeth get knocked out by the sledgehammer that is Tony Iommi’s verse riffs on, “Into the Void.”

Also, Karl and Mates are coming with under 20 MEASLY cuts for their respective lists?

I got a clean FIFTY in here…

What’s happening?

Like with my Tuesday Time Machine posts, don’t shuffle this list. There is a sequence here, and things are as they are for a reason.

If you want to hit the songs a la carte, scroll down past the Spotify playlist where I’ve linked the songs individually.

  1. Meat Loaf- Bat out of Hell

2. Time- Pink Floyd

3. The Who- The Real Me

4. Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)- The Rolling Stones

5. Aja- Steely Dan

6. Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann’s Earth Band

7. Bold as Love- Jimi Hendrix

8. Indian Summer- The Doors

9. Cortez the Killer- Neil Young

10. Burn- Deep Purple

11. In the Dead of Night- U.K.

12. One of These Days- Pink Floyd

13. Heaven and Hell- The Who

14. Tangerine- Led Zeppelin

15. Close to the Heart- Rush

16. Blue, Red, and Grey- The Who

17. Deep Purple- Fireball

18. Van Halen- Mean Street

19. The Rover- Led Zeppelin

20. Teenage Wildlife- David Bowie

21. Sister Morphine- The Rolling Stones

22. 4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)- Bruce Springsteen

23. The Lemon Song- Led Zeppelin

24. Sabbra Cadabra- Black Sabbath

25. Machine Gun- Jimi Hendrix

26. Speed King- Deep Purple

27. Light up the sky- Van Halen

28. Aladdin Sane- David Bowie

29. Planet Caravan- Black Sabbath

30. Led Boots- Jeff Beck

31. Pigs (Three Different Ones)- Pink Floyd

32. Naked Eye- The Who

33. Bitch- The Rolling Stones

34. Cracked Actor- David Bowie

35. Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)- Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

36. Don’t Fear the Reaper- Blue Oyster Cult

37. Anthem- Rush

38. Brighton Rock- Queen

39. Toussaint L’Overture- Santana

40. Into the Void- Black Sabbath

41. Detroit Rock City- Kiss

42. I’m the One- Van Halen

43. Tales of Brave Ulysses- Cream

44. Taboo- Santana

45. Jungleland- Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

46. The Spirit of the Radio- Rush

47. Death of Two Legs- Queen

48. Touch too Much- AC/DC

49. 1983… (A Merman Should I Turn to be)- Jimi Hendrix

50. Fat Bottomed Girls- Queen

3 comments on “God-Tier Classic Rock Eargasms for CONNOISSEURS (With a Side of Beef)”

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