God-Tier Classic Rock Eargasms for CONNOISSEURS (With a Side of Beef)

Now, now… I know you’re probably asking yourself, “Damn, George— already back to beefing?”

“Surely, you can’t be back to this so soon… especially after ALMOST getting fired from Indie Pong last year?”

Look, I can’t help it when the game CHOSE me.

Also, I can’t let it stand when Mates and Karl think Timber Ridge was ACTUALLY running things back in the day.

I’m not going to fully get into that, because it’s strictly for those who know, but ask yourselves–

How is your school RUNNING IT, if they have to have a whole re-brand, and completely change their name after YEARS of being T. Ridge?

Like, is T. Swift REALLY the boss she thinks she is, if it takes her 5 years to record her next album, and she re-christens herself, T. Slow?

#whoa

In any instance, Karl and Mates are out here feeling themselves a little bit, and honestly, that’s legit.

For example, did you see last week, when Karl not-so-low-key DROPPED A JEWEL on anyone who hadn’t heard of Sofia Valdes?

Karl blessed us— and I feel like Ms. Valdes is already walking around with a strong contender for song of the year in her back pocket.

And Mates?

Look, Mates, very gently tried to let me know that Wednesday dropped 2020 album of the year material WAYYY back in the beginning of last year, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge that he was FAR out ahead of the pack, until just after Christmas, a few weeks back.

Hard as it is to admit, both of them are killing it, and their respective God-Tier Pop Eargasms lists contained some UNABASHED classics.

I’m hesitant to link them, lest there be further discussion of their admittedly impressive work, but Karl’s is here, and Mates’ response is here.

In any case, all was well until the last Indie Pong happy hour when Mates made a WEST TEXAS POWER MOVE, and staked claim to what he saw as he and Karl’s turf.

In an earnest yet severe tone, he announced to the group. “you guys… ONLY write a, “God-tier,” article if you’ve REALLY got it, because that’s a strong statement.”

And you know what?

An article like that wasn’t even on my radar… didn’t cross my mind.

I thought to myself, “Right on. That’s their lane, and we all should respect that.”

That is, until a couple minutes later, when they both had to lean in and start talking that stuff.

Out of nowhere, the grade school/middle school histories of Mates, Karl, Daw, and myself were brought up. Mates punched hard at Daw and I with, “haha, yeah… we probably destroyed you guys in basketball.”

Now, that is probably true, but as St. A’s was (is) the Cincinnati Bengals of Northshore middle school basketball, Daw and I simply accepted our lot in life during those years, and we played for the love of the game.

Timber Ridge, we were not.

I was ready to let it ride until Mates’ fellow Timber Ridge alumni Karl had to jump in and say something slick like, “haha, yeah… we didn’t even have locker rooms, and we still beat you guys.”

Daw, never one to back down, started to hit back, talking about how T. Ridge couldn’t even claim The Town because it’s in Skokie, but Mates and Karl were on a roll, and I stood back, feigning as though I was simply withdrawing.

Of course, this was a calculated decision— if I took it to Mates and Karl in the moment, it would only be spoke about in hushed tones, and my job might be on the line (again).

If I take it to them here and now though, challenging them at the own game of selecting God-Tier Eargasms, I potentially, have the might of the internet on my side, to say nothing of when Daw rolls through with the calvary like Gandalf in Two Towers.

Essentially, for their slights against two nice Catholic boys who have inherited a lifetime of guilt from being in Church on Friday every morning for at least 8 years, these two gentleman need to understand that while the God-tier game might have been born over in the halls of a Skokie school with a confused identity, it was perfected in The Town–

Here and now.

Without further ado, I present to you, THE CONNOISSEUR’S God-Tier Classic Rock Eargasms.

Now… this list is not for the folks who are trying to sing along to, “Space Oddity,” or, the starter pack posers who claim Black Sabbath’s best song is, “Paranoid.”

This playlist is for the seasoned listener, or, those aspiring to step their game up.

For example, are you trying to build some street cred with your girlfriend’s Dad, who’s still doing hiking trips on mushrooms in his mid-60s?

I got you.

Trying to show your boss as the record store that you know what the low-key centerpiece of Pink Floyd’s, “Animals,” is?

Say less.

Do you find yourself somewhere down in Central Florida, WORKING FOR THE LORD, and you want to show a bingo hall full of sinners what awaits them if they don’t starting doing the same as you?

Better have a dustpan ready for when old Ben’s last 10 teeth get knocked out by the sledgehammer that is Tony Iommi’s verse riffs on, “Into the Void.”

Also, Karl and Mates are coming with under 20 MEASLY cuts for their respective lists?

I got a clean FIFTY in here…

What’s happening?

Like with my Tuesday Time Machine posts, don’t shuffle this list. There is a sequence here, and things are as they are for a reason.

If you want to hit the songs a la carte, scroll down past the Spotify playlist where I’ve linked the songs individually.