Strangely Repressed Eargasms: Blessed Be Thou Who Don’t Talketh That Shit

Good evening my brethren and brethrettes. It has come to my knowledge that some “magnet school” kids have been trying to talk that shit. They say that they are better at basketball, because of a level of grit and character that can only be achieved through years of changing in abandoned broom closets. They say that since their education was based in fact and logic that they are indeed the superior bloggers. If you need a recap, check out George’s article. It’s a gem.

To this I say HEATHENS! Go back to where ye belong Satan! Blogging is a divine right to be passed on from one repressed parochial school child to another.

Were Mates and Karl better at basketball than us? No. I’ve played them one on one and cooked them both. Mates cried so uncontrollably that I had to apologize to his mother (lovely woman). It was bad, but I repented for my sins.

Timber Ridge did beat us in basketball regularly, but here is my quandary: Is there a chance that Timber Ridge hand selected students who were 6′ plus in the 5th grade? I mean, as a magnet school that is absolutely a possibility. Since none of us have a Timber Ridge (Bessie Rhodes) year book from the years 2000-2007 we have no choice but to accept that this is unequivocally true, thus we were at a severe disadvantage from the get go.

Check. Mate.

This is in the past. As you can tell, I harbor no ill will nor do I carry the burden of resentment. I have decided to take the high road in the matter. I turned to compassion and love instead of pettiness.

Unfortunately, it takes two to bury the hatchet. During our last zoom happy hour it was evident that only us, Saint Athanasius kids (shout out my mans George), had put the pain of years of abuse on the hardwood behind us. Out of NOWHERE, Mates and Karl took it upon themselves to completely shit on St. A’s. They said our stained glass and illustrious statues were subpar, they said we looked like tools in our uniforms, and that yes, they said we sucked at basketball. For Christ (our lord and savior) sake they even claimed that we were culpable in the death of a POPE. I believe the direct quote was “You guys are so bad at basketball that your shame killed Pope John Paul II. Oh and you looked like total tools in your Land’s End brand uniforms. Aha TIMBER UP MY DUDES!”

That’s where I draw the line. As a man who loves a nice tall hat, I was shook to my core.

I could write a hit piece, taking down Mates and Karl a peg, but alas this is not how I was raised. I was raised to turn the other cheek. I was raised to be the bigger man. I was raised to show love and kindness to friends and foes alike. So, I have decided to do something a bit off brand for me. With no further ado: My Strangely Repressed Eargasms – the quintessential list of the greatest religion influenced songs of all time.

We are equal opportunists here at Indiepong so for this list it’s any religion goes affair for this list:

One Last Breath – Creed

Losing my Religion – REM

Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

Mr. Crowley – Ozzy Osbourne

With God on Our Side – Bob Dylan

The Wind – Yusuf/Cat Stevens

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